She just walked in. She told me something, and the first thing that came to mind, were my chills and my anger. I didn’t want to hear anything nor feel the door open. But, it did. As the door slammed, so did my mind. It was trapped and I couldn’t find the strength to move myself. At all.
But now, I’m laying here and thinking of all the wrong I’ve done in the last six years.
I’ve betrayed my family. I’ve turned into my father. I’ve forgotten my mother. I’ve let go of my brother. I lost my securities. I lost all that meant most.
When I lost it all, I lost it hard.
The room is dark now.
I sit here, and throw the things that meant most.
My books, my paintings, my pictures, my angel from above.
All is on my floor.
I don’t know what I’m doing here. I don’t know why it is that I keep thinking of these things. I was only twelve years old. I thought I could better myself.
But I worsened myself. I’m so sick. I can’t help but to think of all the things I did to myself and not regret it. I want it all over again. It was my place to feel different. To FEEL something different was all I craved for.
The addiction I loved.
But people are ripping me apart right when I let ripping myself apart, end.
I remember walking home from school, and tearing everything off, and scream.I would scream because no one would be home.
No one could hear me.
And I enjoyed that feeling.
Being alone and expressing myself in the ways I wanted to.
I would get so excited. Maybe too excited.
Friends would help me, but then they left me.
They couldn’t handle my insecurities.
They couldn’t see me suffer any longer.
And now, it’s been six years.
I don’t see you or acknowledge you.
I don’t know how that makes you feel, but I know you see me changing.
After I examine myself in the mirror, I would run into my room and sleep from that point on to the next morning.
You told me to outgrow these habits.
You told me my thoughts were wrong.
But little did you know, was me.
You had no idea who I was or what I did.
And now, I’m laying in my bed, six years later.
And I feel it all coming back.
She told me to feel happy, and she has no idea how hard that can be.